What am I supposed to say?
'Congratulations on the birth of your crotchfruit'. (All credit to Big Fashionista for that amazing word. Truth be told I think I wrote this blog post just to say 'crotchfruit'.)
I know that people get excited about their offspring but babies scare me and make me feel awkward.
In fact just the word 'baby' makes me squirm can't we call them human puppies? Human puppies makes me feel much more relaxed already.
When you show me a scan or a picture of your baby, my brain sounds a bit like this:
What am I looking at?
I feel like Rachel in that episode of Friends where she can't see her baby on the scan photo. Really, where is it? WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?
Wow babies look the same
Newborn babies all look strikingly similar. I'm surprised there aren't more hospital mix-ups, or maybe there are? What if I was mixed up? Ugh, I don't want to have to meet new people, it would certainly explain me being the only fair-haired one in the family though.
Don't tell me it has your nose, it doesn't
Nope, to me it looks the same as all other babies. If it had 'your nose' it'd look freakishly out of proportion since you're a fully grown adult. No, it doesn't have your nose. Maybe in a few years time but right now it looks like every other baby I've ever seen.
You called it what?
Why did you call it that? Do you want your child to get bullied at school? Does giving your baby a terrible name count as child abuse? Surely it should, that poor child.
Please talk incessantly about your baby because I have nothing to say here
How many more times can I get away with saying 'Oh yeah', oh I hope she doesn't stop talking or ask me a question because I have nothing to add here.
No, please don't tell me about labour
Please don't start telling me about how long it lasted or any of the gory details. I would rather stroke a snake than listen to that and snakes scare me.
Sure most people get excited by babies but some of us don't, it's not because we're nasty, we're just awkward. If someone's response is ever 'Oh yeah' to a baby picture, back off and let them think about how awkward that encounter was for the rest of the day, because that's what we do.
There are plenty of people who get excited by baby photos but I am not one of them. Show me a kitten though and I'll melt into a pile of mush.
Do baby photos make you feel uncomfortable? I can't be the only one surely.