This week I have done two, what I consider to be, very adult things: I bought new window wipers and completed my tax self-assessment and I don’t like it.
In my head I am still 14 years old and I frequently forget that I’m actually 22. I think I might be having, what I can only describe as, an extremely premature mid-life crisis.
I wish I could go back to being 14 years-old, when my only real concern was how close to the barriers I could get at a My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy gig.
When I look back on my life so far I can’t help but wonder when I grew up, you know? I see myself as a kid wondering what it would be like to be 18 and free of all age restrictions and then suddenly I was a teenager (I don’t know when that happened!) and then I kind of melted into being an adult.
I know that age is just a number and that it’s about how you feel on the inside but how fast time goes is damn scary. It has been seven years since I left high school and that is terrifying because I could swear that it only happened a couple of years ago.
Time is flying so darn fast that I just don’t have enough time in the day to do things either and the thing that keeps me trying to fit all of those things into 24 hours is that I want more than this. I don’t want to be in the same job for the next 50 years, or however long it is I’ll have to work before I’m allowed to retire and then pay tax again on my pension. (I’m not cynical, honest.)
I don’t want to be worrying about money forever. I want to be able to spend time with family and I don’t want to be one of those parents who never sees their kids because they have to work so much – I guess no one wants any of that really.
And I sure as hell don’t want to reach 70 years old and find myself wondering where life has gone and wish I’d done more.
Some days I feel myself just going along with the rat race and others the weight of all of that seems to come at me like a freight train and I feel paralysed and panic.
How and when did I become an adult and get loaded with all of that? They sure don’t prepare you for that at school.
I think that’s enough of my mini panic attack to be sharing with the internet for one day and I don’t exactly feel better for it but this year I wanted to make my blog a bit more personal and less ZOMG THIS LIPSTICK IS AMAZEBALLS! (Not that I have ever said that word, until now.)
How old do you feel mentally?